The Significance of White Lies in Romantic Relationships

A romantic relationship doesn’t last because of affection. It endures through time, especially when honesty is being valued.

People naturally lie. Some people lie even more.

Then there are some who choose to be honest most of the time.

Choosing to be honest is important when you’re in a relationship with someone you love. You never want to hurt their feelings for something as mundane as not telling the truth.

On the other hand, research has shown that 95% of people don’t end the week without telling at least one false piece of information. Knowing that lying naturally occurs, it becomes a major concern when done consistently and without remorse.

It may be saddening to know that most people are liars, however, these lies may not always be as big as we think. Some of these lies are just small, white lies.

But the question now is, how can we justify that someone’s lie belongs to the category of a white lie? Will it negatively affect the relationship they have built out of love?

What is a White Lie?

There are varied definitions of a white lie depending on the source. Here are some definitions from popular and reputable sources:

• Merriam-Webster Dictionary. A white lie is a lie about a small or unimportant matter that someone tells to avoid hurting another person.
• Oxford Learner’s Dictionaries. A white lie is a small lie, especially one that you tell to avoid hurting somebody.
• Psychology Today. A white lie is a small or inconsequential matter. It is also tagged as harmless to others and is said to preserve socially acceptable demeanor and courtesy.
• Dr. Julia Breur, LMFT. A white lie is a well-intentioned falsehood. It is commonly small, intended, and mild, whose purpose is to spare a person’s feelings and do no harm.

The commonalities among the four definitions of different sources are that a white lie is a small and harmless untruth.

A Brief History of a White Lie

In a 1741 article presented in a British publication, The Gentleman’s Magazine first documented the definition of a white lie.

The author of the article wrote,

“A certain lady of the highest quality… makes a judicious distinction between a white lie and a black lie. A white lie is that, which is not intended to injure anybody in his fortune, interest, or reputation, but only to gratify a garrulous disposition and the itch of amusing people by telling them wonderful stories.”

The term lie was first documented by the Oxford English Dictionary over 1,000 years ago. It’s defined as the context of stating falsehood.

Towards the end of the 14th century, white lies were first used in an excerpt of a letter.

“I do assure you he is vnsusspected of any vntruithe or oder notable cryme (excepte a white lye) wiche is taken for a Small fawte in thes partes.”

After 500 years, a color was attached to the term, giving it a lighter definition. The Oxford English Dictionary defines the term white as morally or spiritually pure.

It also added a definition of white as “free from malignity or evil intent; beneficent, innocent, harmless,” providing a clearer context of what a white lie is.

Four Factors That Motivate People to Tell White Lies

A number of studies have found that people tell white lies for specific reasons or pressures. And these are the following pressures that motivate people to continue telling white lies:

• Tact

In most cases, people tell white lies to maintain politeness and do not cause pain on the part of the recipient’s feelings.

For instance, you are asked about how your date went with someone you met online. You knew that it was a dull date, but you still described it as great, memorable, and enjoyable, even though it was the exact opposite.

Clearly, it is more tactful to say beautiful things about what happened than to be straightforward about what did happen.

• Psychological Compensation

Telling white lies is sometimes said to be for the purpose of protecting your own weak self.

One example that explains psychological compensation is a recent breakup with your partner.

It is normal that some of your friends will ask about what caused the breakup. So instead of telling them the exact reason, you choose to tell them that it was a mutual decision to end the relationship.

The primary reason for this is you want to protect your ego and continue to heal on your own.

• Power Deference

Another reason why people choose to tell lies is power deference, which means that they prefer sugarcoating their sentiments rather than appear disobedient to someone in authority.

For example, a boss informs their employees that they will be working overtime because they need to finish a major project. The employees agreed to work overtime, even though they despised the decision.

• Relational Stability

This last pressure in telling white lies is used to maintain harmonious relationships with the people within your circle.

Apparently, this is usually observed in both platonic and romantic relationships.

In a clearer context, when you and your partner discuss a serious topic, which both of you have a dissimilar perspective, you prefer to agree and add positive points about what your partner’s stance is to avoid conflict and misunderstanding.

Are White Lies Really OK or Are They Damaging to Relationships?

Maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner means weighing all the other factors as to why they tell white lies.

Dr. Christian Hart, a professor of psychology at Texas Woman’s University, explains that white lies are small, socially acceptable, inconsequential, and benign falsities made for the purpose of maintaining decency and neglect of discomfort.

If you choose to keep secrets and withhold your feelings from your significant other, it may lead to sabotaging your romantic relationship in the long run. That’s why it is very important to talk about it.

Meanwhile, Dr. Susan Orenstein, a licensed psychologist and relationship expert, asserts that white lies are generally okay for as long as they serve as a way to be sensitive to your partner, not to protect them nor hide or cover things from them.

You and your partner need to be open and vocal about everything you feel. The struggles and frustrations you both go through can be overcome if you agree to be empathetic in your relationship.

Avoidance of the things that negatively affect the relationship may become the reason why your connection slowly breaks.

At the end of the day, honesty makes your romantic relationship strong, healthy, and growing. Don’t ever dwell on something that complicates your relationship and leads to you losing your significant other.