Reality
Accepting That “The Perfect Marriage” Does Not Exist
Let me start by stating that, although I have never been married, I have attended a fair number of weddings and I’ve been surrounded by an extensive range of families and cultures.
I’ve been a witness to my grandparents’ marriage reaching gold, my parents’ for over a decade, my high school friend’s for over a year, my neighbor’s for over 2 months and counting, and many others. But there’s definitely one fact I’ve swallowed hard in my early 20s: There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage, and that’s okay.
Now some of you may say, “Did it really take you that long to realize?”
Well, not really. I grew up watching couples argue, no doubt, but as someone who used to be a hopeless romantic, it took me some time to realize that perhaps my desire for the perfect marriage is what’s preventing me from genuinely bonding with a man.
Unpleasant encounters don’t immediately imply that someone isn’t a good match anymore. The Gottman Institute confirms this, stating that the “magic ratio” is 5:1. This indicates that a healthy and happy marriage has five or more positive interactions for every bad interaction that occurs during conflict.
If you’re skeptical about getting married, you’re not alone. It’s absolutely okay to take your time and weigh the circumstances you’re in first before diving into one because marriage goes beyond wedding rings and how grand your celebration is. It’s also about accepting our different realities and admitting just how skilled Disney is at convincing us that fairy tales exist.
You Still Shouldn’t Dismiss The Red Flags
Accepting the fact that the perfect marriage does not exist doesn’t excuse someone’s toxic behavior. Especially if it’s causing you, and those around you, distress. It’s true that marriage requires compromise, but it should not come at the price of your morals just to avoid arguments.
Remember that a healthy marriage gives you the freedom to voice your thoughts and feelings, even if that means calling out your spouse for their actions. Being assertive doesn’t imply stubbornness; rather, it indicates that you’re honoring yourself while attempting to meet them halfway.
You Continuously Learn About Your Partner
Now this can be tricky because some of you may be thinking that you’re going to marry this woman because she seems predictable. Wrong! That may be true at first, but people change along with the times.
As Heidi Priebe quoted, “To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be.”
This means that, while you honor your wife’s current version of herself, you must also embrace the possibility that she will outgrow certain habits, beliefs, dreams, and career paths and be accepting of any physical changes.
You Should Also Deliver What You Expect
I get that we all have our own list of qualities we want in a partner, but it’s also important that this list reflects more on who you are as an individual. It takes two to tango, as the saying goes.
For example, you may desire a woman who is physically fit and well-groomed. But what if you don’t even make any efforts to keep yourself in shape or dress nicely, even if you’re just running errands at the farmer’s market? This imbalance can result in feelings of insecurity, anxiety, resentment, frustration, and general relationship dissatisfaction.
Contribution and addressing personal limitations are keys to a thriving relationship, so you don’t get to regret marriage when it’s already too late.
It’s Not Always 50/50
I know, I used to think that a relationship should be 50/50. But as I’ve grown and seen some marriages, I’ve learned that this is not always the case and that it’s important to embrace this fact while you’re still single.
Life throws curveballs. Your partner could face a sudden financial problem because she had to shoulder family emergencies or job losses. Or you may simply have different strengths and weaknesses.
Consider mutual support, open communication, and accepting each other’s definitions of “best” rather than concentrating only on a 50/50 split.
My point here is that the concept of “the perfect marriage,” in the sense of being flawless or having no problems, is a pipe dream. But this isn’t to discourage you in your future marriage prospects. Like you, I aspire to marry, but I suppose it’s best to change the mindset of aiming for perfection to one of a fulfilling and growing partnership.
Reference
The Gottman Institute. (2024). “The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science. Gottman.”
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
