Advice
It’s Time to Put an End to Your Retroactive Jealousy
Let’s say you’ve gotten into a happy and healthy relationship. You and your partner seem to be a match made in heaven. You share the same love for traveling, power naps, and rewatching early 2000s movies… until the thought of their ex creates a sting in your heart and a pit in your stomach.
Now your day is ruined and it’s affecting the way you see your relationship.
I hate to tell you this, but I believe you’re having an episode of retroactive jealousy.
What Is Retroactive Jealousy?
Retroactive jealousy, to put it simply, is when you are obsessed with your partner’s past relationships.
Before you get defensive and claim that you are not because you are happily in love, know that this kind of jealousy is a common experience for many. Especially if you are stalking them on social media and commenting on how much more attractive or successful they are. Or if you are speculating about the possibility that your current girlfriend will pick their ex over you.
This is the kind of jealousy that happens without an ex’s intervention. That is, it is not the same as when your partner is already crossing boundaries with an ex by staying in touch or harboring feelings for them.
How Should You Deal With This?
In order to keep your relationship from getting worse, I suggest you go over these practical ways to overcome retroactive jealousy:
1. Look Inward
Many times, jealousy stems from personal anxieties and fears. Take a step back and examine where your negative feelings and thoughts are really coming from. You can engage in self-reflection practices like journaling or meditation. Concentrate on yourself and work on improving your self-esteem.
Take note: They’re an ex for a reason. Your partner chose to be with you right now.
2. Be Assertive in Communicating
Relationships require open communication. If your partner is truly giving you reasons to feel insecure, talk to them about your feelings. Think about requesting adjustments in your relationship to help you feel more secure.
This helps dispel any confusion or misgivings you may have about their viewpoint in their previous relationships.
3. Focus on your Current Relationship
Accept that everyone has past experiences that are beyond your control. Recognize the areas in which you have more control, such as how you can manage your current relationship. Are you making efforts to make your partner feel happy, like by simply taking home a tub of their favorite vanilla ice cream? Do you deliberately make time for regular dates on weekends?
Who’s getting cuddles at night with them? You. Take solace in that fact.
4. Avoid Using Social Media Too Often
I know social media is where we get all the fun buzz, but too much of that is unhealthy. People present all the good slices of life and rarely show the ugly ones, which can evoke feelings of comparison and envy. It would be wise to avoid this trigger, particularly if you’re the type who looks up their ex’s name and finds excuses to torture yourself.
Set limits on your social media time or uninstall a certain app. Just leave the ones that you use for chatting or calling.
You must acknowledge that retroactive jealousy is your problem, not your partner’s. Take responsibility and seek healthier ways to deal with the distress it causes you and your relationship before you ruin what’s supposed to be a one-of-a-kind connection.
