ADVICE
“I Can Fix Him.” No, You Can’t.
The phrase “I can fix him” started as a series of memes referencing how some girls prefer bad boys with problematic behaviors, even to a psychotic extent, as romantic partners. There’s even a romance trope called “I Can Change My Beloved” where they hold the belief that their love can inspire change in these men.
On Twitter, or what is now called X, several posts have gone viral using this phrase such as:
@TamiDaBushPilot: *watching the Joker movie* … (under breath) I could fix him
@mmadinab: “i cAn FiX hiM” okay bob the builder relax
@kuroskiz: yall: i can fix him
him: multiple attempted murders, manslaughter, physical and psychological abuse, endangerment, torture, pollution, animal cruelty, fraud, terrorism, snuff filming, property damages, enslavement, poaching, sabotage, arson
And so on.
The urge to fix people is common in relationships regardless of sexuality, but this is especially applicable to women whose ultimate desire is to solve their boyfriends’ issues, many of which stem from the influence of our patriarchal society. While girls are raised to be nurturing and motherly, boys are raised to expect this from every woman they meet. Then, these boys grow up to be emotionally unavailable men, only softening up to their partners, resulting in women being saddled with added emotional responsibility.
I do stand firm in advocating for men’s mental health, and that they, too, deserve to be seen and heard BUT the romanticization of fixing problematic and dangerous men should stop.
Why You Can’t Fix Him
Perhaps the concept of fixing your partner makes you feel needed and desired in the relationship, but ultimately, it only re-enforces toxic gender stereotypes. It’s high time you give up the builder’s suit and stop treating your boyfriend as a project by keeping these in mind:
1. You Can’t Control Everything
First and foremost, it’s important to remind ourselves that we aren’t responsible for people to change, especially when they don’t want it themselves. Change should come from within, and we can only set positive intentions towards them and allow them to go through what they need to go through to learn.
2. No to Emotional Burnout
While showing up for them or lending them a hand when they need help is fine, you have to know when to stop. You don’t get in a relationship to be someone’s unpaid therapist. Constantly being there and absorbing their issues takes a lot of emotional and mental capacity which eventually gets overwhelming and draining. This may affect you in ways that make you inhabit a negative outlook and make poor decisions.
3. It Leads to Codependency
If you’ve found yourself taking on the role of “the giver” more often than not, then know that you’re not in good hands. A healthy relationship is a balance of mutual benefits where both provide support for each other. It’s okay to create some emotional distance from a troubled partner to hold them accountable for their mistakes. Stop making excuses for their behavior as you will just keep them from growing.
4. Acceptance ≠ Sticking Around
Just because you’ve accepted them for who they are doesn’t mean you are obliged to stay in the relationship and be their lifetime punching bag. Know that you have the choice to say, “I accept you and I respect you, but this isn’t good for me. I can’t be a part of a relationship where I’m harmed.” By that, you are accepting them but you’re not letting them abuse you further.
The bottom line here is to stop telling yourself “I can fix him” because you can’t, and it’s disrespectful to yourself to overextend to the point of causing self-harm. You shouldn’t romanticize being The Joker’s Harley Quinn. Healthy boundaries are a real thing and you should honor that for yourself.
Why don’t you give nice guys a chance this time? It feels liberating and, mostly, it feels safe.
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