REALITIES
Bouncing Back from a Bad Date for Marriage-Minded Folks
Have you ever had a dating experience so awful, so cringy, so embarrassing that you needed five frozen margaritas and three showers to forget it ever happened?
Dating isn’t the yellow brick road you gleefully waltz your way through, with perfect-soulmate-candidate no.1 waiting at the end.
Dating is a game we all have to play to find love and meaning. And like a game, we’ll have a few wins here and there, but when the season is over, we’ll all have our share of L’s.
But not all “losses” are created equal. Some dates are routine. You go out, have some coffee, watch a movie, pitter-patter, and you go your separate ways. No hard feelings. There were no sparks, and you both know it. In the end, that night was nothing more than a statistic, and you move on.
But there are those special moments that, to put it kindly, we’d rather not experience ever again.
Our collective human experience is rife with stories of dates being unbelievably rude and obtuse, nauseatingly overconfident, bereft of manners and hygiene, and even displaying borderline criminal behavior.
Now, a car crash of a date is somewhat surmountable if you’re 15. But when your goal is to find the one — that person who is destined to be your partner for life — then the psychological ramifications only increase with each passing failure.
Taking a Step TOWARDS the Marriage
You’re a decade or two past your physical prime. Your hair is losing color. You have zero stamina for three-hour outdoor concerts. Or you could be none of that, but you want the same thing — to be with a person to have a deep conversation with, who enjoys your company, and maybe wants a family sooner rather than later.
When you have marriage in mind, you don’t often abide by modern dating standards. You’re not dating for short-term pleasure, rather, you’re looking for someone you can raise a family and grow old with.
But these days, fewer and fewer people want that. And after your last couple of bad dates, you are left with more questions than answers.
“Am I too old-fashioned?”
“Am I not attractive anymore?”
“Is there anyone who gets me?”
“Is there something wrong with me?”
“Where have all the good ones gone?”
The thing about dating is that hindsight is 20/20. The day you get everything you ever wanted is the day you realize that each failed date or relationship brought you a step closer to where you are now.
The day when you are sitting on the porch and reading your book as your spouse plays with the kids in the garden is when you can look back and say you HAD to go through all those bad experiences to get to where you are.
So don’t fret. In dating, every step back is really two steps forward.
Having a Support System
When we get our hearts broken, there is no better first aid than being able to talk to our parents or friends.
Sometimes all we need is a breath of fresh air. Sometimes all we need is to let out our frustrations. Sometimes all we need is someone who listens to us.
Remember, having a bad date when you want the most meaningful kind of relationship one can ever have can hurt you more than you expect.
Everything gets hurt — your ego, your pride — and, more importantly, your hope.
This is why you need a support system around you, people who can instill hope back in you.
A Cause For Reflection
Bad dates aren’t just bad experiences. In some cases, they’re symptoms of something deeper.
A friend of mine who is now in her 40s has had date disaster after date disaster. She insists she wants to get married. And why couldn’t she? She is beautiful, smart, fun to be with, and everything a guy could want in a woman.
But time and time again, she goes and meets guys in rave dance clubs every single weekend.
The question at the back of all our minds is “How on earth is she going to find husband material in those places?”
I’m not saying it’s impossible. It’s just that you aren’t giving yourself the best chance to find the person you say you want.
We can’t blame you for your date’s appalling behavior. But when all the dust has settled, you should ask yourself what you ever saw in that person in the first place.
Choose Your Hunting Grounds
You can’t find hockey players in a football stadium. If you’re hinging your future solely on swipe-right dating apps, you might be sorely disappointed.
Perhaps you’ve had run-ins with bad players because you spend too much time on dating apps when you sort of already know that all they want is a quick hookup.
So change your environment to suit your purpose. Or change which apps you are using. Whichever works.
Where better to find choir singers than at a church, right?
Never Compromise Your Values
We tend to overcorrect after a tough experience. It’s the old “nice guy” syndrome. The nice guy gets his heart torn to pieces, so he overcorrects by becoming a run-of-the-mill jerk bad boy.
But if marriage is your goal, then you should NEVER compromise your standards as long as they are realistic.
Let jerks be jerks, and allow the rest to fall by the wayside.
You only need to find the right person once, even if you have to go through several bad ones.
Tibor Pápai on Unsplash
Not All Bad Dates Are Bad Dates
So your date wasn’t all that forthcoming with you. He claimed he “liked” Star Wars, whilst withholding the fact that he owned practically a museum of Star Wars merchandise.
Or perhaps everything was going just fine until you got to the club, wherein you realized that he was a really, really, really bad dancer and your embarrassment was through the roof.
Sometimes our dates can have monumental turn-offs. But once you dig down, you realize that those turn-offs are nothing compared to how great they are overall. That man could be a great father to your kids and a wonderful husband. So don’t let his two left feet distract you.
At the end of the day, when the world goes topsy-turvy, reflect on what you value most in life and in marriage. It’s what will bring you through the roller-coaster that is dating and relationships.
Suggested read
